Opus 2024-409: New Laws: Save a Cow

I think we need to have the federal government step in with some new regulations to try and strengthen the dairy industry.  I’m speaking of course of the need to regulate coffee drinkers and require them to include creamer in their drinks.

We would start off with a requirement of quantity.  The question is how much creamer is necessary in order to make coffee safe for the population to drink.  In my opinion it is zero but that would not go well with the beta male administrators needing to control the lives of other people.  I know that I used to make it more like a coffee flavored malt but as my taste buds died and I became calorie conscious I weaned myself.  How anti-social.  How filled with hatred for the dairy farmers of America.

Then we need to look at the quality.  What would be the butterfat level required?  What would be necessary to label it as organic?  Could we have a vegan version?  Would we allow the product to be imported?

We might require non-dairy creamers to either include a small amount of the real deal or pay a fee for their opting out.

This, of course would require a whole new bureaucracy to regulate.  We would need millions of dollars in government funds, possibly billions of dollars, to do research in order to come up with the correct amount of creamer required.

You thought they had taxed and regulated everything.  You just lack imagination.

homo unius libri